This has been a very hard week, as I knew that it would be.
Not the long drive alone.
Not the decisions about some needed maintenance and how much money to spend on it--made alone.
One of the last things that Mike said to me was, "You are an intelligent and capable person. You will be okay."
Maybe so. I have done some hard stuff and I did not fall apart.
Or maybe not. Simple things. I could not walk on the beach...would not have been able to see where I was walking through the tears. I had to leave the Italian market where we so enjoyed shopping for special dinners. I barely managed to pay for a loaf of bread and get out of there. I won't even consider going to the North Jetty to admire the sunset or sit at Pop's and watch boats and dolphin go by or to go for an ice cream cone. I wonder if I ever will.
There was a great horned owl perched at the very top of a very tall Norfolk pine outside the bedroom window and a few doors done. I knew Mike's spirit was visiting. That is some comfort.
And I have been doing some reading on grieving. You know, to see if I am doing it right. Textbook--the good little student in me can be proud.
But I came across this piece by Dr. Ken Murray. It is so like Mike's story and I supported him through it.
Not the long drive alone.
Not the decisions about some needed maintenance and how much money to spend on it--made alone.
One of the last things that Mike said to me was, "You are an intelligent and capable person. You will be okay."
Maybe so. I have done some hard stuff and I did not fall apart.
Or maybe not. Simple things. I could not walk on the beach...would not have been able to see where I was walking through the tears. I had to leave the Italian market where we so enjoyed shopping for special dinners. I barely managed to pay for a loaf of bread and get out of there. I won't even consider going to the North Jetty to admire the sunset or sit at Pop's and watch boats and dolphin go by or to go for an ice cream cone. I wonder if I ever will.
There was a great horned owl perched at the very top of a very tall Norfolk pine outside the bedroom window and a few doors done. I knew Mike's spirit was visiting. That is some comfort.
And I have been doing some reading on grieving. You know, to see if I am doing it right. Textbook--the good little student in me can be proud.
But I came across this piece by Dr. Ken Murray. It is so like Mike's story and I supported him through it.
That was a very insightful article, Olga. What you did for Mike, I hope my family will do for me. Someday, maybe you'll revisit the places you and Mike loved. It will be hard, I'm sure, but good memories reside there.
ReplyDeleteI am just amazed by your strength, I would be falling apart at every turn. I am so glad that Mike was able to watch over you through the eyes of that owl -- glad it helped. That doctor's article was excellent and certainly makes you think. Hope tomorrow is a little bit easier.
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time. It's trite, but true.
ReplyDeleteNot that I'm any expert, but I know from experience that it's hard to grieve, and harder to remember. But in the end all you can do is remember and, "You will be okay."
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine your grief. Take care, Olga.
ReplyDeleteI so agree with that article. I can't begin to imagine how painful it must be for you to see the places you shared with Mike. I hope that, through the grieving process, you eventually find peace.
ReplyDeleteOlga, this was a tough day, and there will be tough days ahead. My wish for you is less heartache each day, and more cherished memories compiling day by day. (((hugs and warm wishes)))
ReplyDeleteThere is so much to this post. First of all, I can only imagine how hard this trip to Florida has been for you, but somehow, I also believe it is a very necessary part of your healing. I so admire you because you are doing this thing of going to Florida, facing those places and memories that you and Mike held so dear, and you are doing it on your own and in your own way. Mike knew you well, and he was right. You are intelligent and capable. You are also a lot like me in the "textbook" way of learning about grief. I think we all take the journey differently, and we do it the way that makes sense to us.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing the article. I am saving a copy. It is an important one to read and consider. Hugs.
The article was right on. I hope to 'go gently into that good night' without modern medi-maniacal practices hopelessly intervening.
ReplyDeleteTaking one day at a time you are making a difficult journey. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Olga, I too will look at the check list for grieving to see if I'm doing it right. Traveling without our fellows has to be one of the hardest parts. You are truly and inspiration to me.
ReplyDeleteMike knew you best and he knew , "You will be okay." It is just getting there and I know no easy way. Some day I hope those shared memories will bring smiles even though they will be tinged with sadness, they will no longer stir the cold tears of loss.
ReplyDeleteLean where ever you find comfort.
That was an amazing article. I so agree.
Olga, it will take time. No doubt.
ReplyDeleteYour man was right. You are smart and a survivor.
My first husband has colon cancer (had surgery and starting chemo next week), my current one has prostate cancer. He'll have surgery at some point. Life is tough.
Remember, you are a beautiful person.
Olga, this is just so sad. There are so many places that you and Mike loved that will just never be the same. I agree with you, its not the decisions and what to maintain that is hard. And I agree with Mike, you are intelligent and capable person and as such you are OK and will continue to be OK in the mundane mechanics of life. It is that facing the previous joys that you shared together that will be almost impossible. I am clueless on how you handle that, but some how I have to believe, just like the owl, Mike will be there and show you the way. Keep your heart open for him.
ReplyDeleteJust keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get there. I suspect that's how you've lived your entire life. I predict that you will walk that beach again.
ReplyDeleteI so admire your strength and courage, Olga. I don't like to even think about how I would handle it, but you are being such a role model for me. I know we are all walking hand in hand with you and keeping you in our hearts everyday.
ReplyDeleteOh. Sad. Hope you are feeling better. Keeping busy is a good start, and I see you've been doing that. We'll be testing you on your grieving later, so make sure you know what you're doing.
ReplyDelete