Saturday, November 17, 2012

Say it ain’t so…

Oh, no!  The Hostess Company is not going to fool with striking bakers.  Instead they plan to close down the whole operation and put 18,500 people out of work.   It’s over!  This is it!

No more smooth, soft Wonder bread.  No more Twinkies, always baked unless you go to the State Fair where you can get them deep fried.  Deep frying improves everything.  Maybe I should have tried that with the Wonder bread.  Oh, well.  Too late now.

No more day-glow pink Snowballs with the sprinkling of stale coconut.  No more chocolaty HoHos with that creamy white filling.   What is the American public to do?  Well, I’ll tell you what I did.  I got in my car and to make the rounds of area grocery stores and independent markets, snatching up every Hostess product I could find.

Ha!  You thought I was mad, thought I was compulsive for cleaning out my closets and storage shelves a while ago.  See!  Now I have plenty of room for stashing my horded snack cakes.  Foresight, that’s what it is called.

I’ll admit it, yes.  I worked myself into a terrible frenzy.  Perhaps I was not thinking entirely clearly.  I  know for certain that it was kind of wrong to knock over that 93 year old man who probably only weighed 93 pounds and used a cane just because he was reaching for those DingDongs on the shelf.  But really, such a fuss!  He only had the wind –and his teeth-- knocked out of him.  There were no broken bones.   It’s not like I was having such a great day myself.  I swept all the cakes off the shelves of that first store right into my into my waiting cart and made a dash for the checkout line. 
But when I got there—no purse.  OMG!  I left my purse in the car!  I went to the service desk and demanded the girl there guard my cart while a ran out to my car. 

No purse in my car!  Would I actually go to the store without my purse?  I ran back to the service desk snatching up a paper table cover on the way.  I covered the cart and told the young girl I would be back.  She said she would push the cart into the produce cooler.

I drove the ten miles back to my house.  I may have gone a wee bit over the speed limit, but, dammit, this was an emergency.  Surely my explanation would stand up in traffic court.  Fortunately it did not come to that.  I got home and ransacked the house.  No purse. 

“OMG! MIKE! Someone snatched my purse from my grocery cart!…What do you mean, how can that happen?  When my attention was distracted.  Maybe when I knocked over that little old man who was trying to abscond with Hostess cakes…No, he wasn’t hurt!  Will you please try and focus on what is important here!  My purse is missing…No, I am not calling the police.  I am calling the store to find out if anyone found a discarded purse in the parking lot…Wait…Yes!  They have it at the service desk.”

So Mike insisted on driving me back to the grocery store because I did not have my license on me.  He asked me how much money I had in the purse.  It was not much, but I didn’t expect to see it again.  Then I thought about credit cards.  I hoped they would still be in my wallet but I started making a mental list of the companies I would have to call to cancel accounts.  I was glad I wasn’t driving at that point because I would not have been able to see the road through my tears.

We got to the store and I ran to the service desk, leaving Mike to hobble after me.  The girl handed my my purse.  I opened it and…nothing was missing—not the $35 in cash and not a single credit card.  It seems that a delivery guy saw the purse in an empty cart sitting in the bakery aisle.  When no one came to retrieve it when he had stacked all his hamburger and hot dog buns, he took it to the service desk.  Thank-you!  Thank-you!  I can only guess that I must have grabbed the old man’s cart by mistake and left my cart there with the purse in the baby seat.

So, somewhat happy ending.  I used my debit card to pay for all my snack cakes, but it was too late to complete the rounds of the other stores.  By that time, of course, the word was out and everyone else was making a mad dash on Hostess products.

(Some parts of this story are actually true.)


  1. I will miss those twinkies, but was never crazy about the other items. I do have memories of when my mother used to put one of those teeth aching chocolate cupcakes.

  2. Funny story!!! I never cared for twinkies. But my son survived on them all the while he was in boy scout camps. He even put them on his Wedding registry at a farm and home store. They received 92 boxes, which they donated most to a food pantry.

  3. Can't fool me -- I think the whole story is true!! We never cared much for the Hostess products, but were raised on Tastykakes -- a Phila. landmark product. However, I'm glad you got your fill of them -- don't worry, they last forever!

  4. Never a Twinkies or Wonder Bread fan. But have to feel bad for the people who lost their jobs.

  5. Well, I'm glad you didn't sugar coat your story, though I have to say, it's filled with something. But the pocket book -- that's the icing on the cake!

  6. I loved your story! Which part was true? Did you really nearly knock over that dear old man? Enjoy the Hostess treats you got!

  7. My daughter recently introduced her kids to Twinkies, because they were mentioned at school and my grandkids had no idea what they were. Of course they loved them.
    I always loved all those Hostess products, but never got them very often. We were poor.
    As an adult I considered them junk food. But I wish I had a cupcake right now!

  8. What I want to know is what part wasn't true?! My daughter is in mourning over Twinkies and the orange cupcakes... I was just never a fan. loved your story!

  9. What a great story, I can just imagine you rushing around the supermarket even though I don't know the product as we don't have that brand here in Aus. but I'm sure I would be the same as I hate it when I can't get my favourite brands as I have a very sweet tooth. Hope your stash of goodies lasts you for a fair while. Enjoy.

  10. This whole adventure sounds a little out of character for you, but the power of nostalgia and sugar should not be underrated.
    The product I will miss most, by far, is the Drake's crumb-topped coffee cake, although I do have many, many memories of watching other kids eat the chocolate cupcakes with the white squiggle across the peelable frosting.

  11. Great story! Although I agree with June, it sounds terribly out of character for a Yankee pragmatist.

    Not to worry, I heard on NPR that the Hostess trademark has too much inherent value and it will sold off along with the recipes of all the great products. The people though will lose their jobs. It may take 6 months or a year but once again our favorite goodies will be available and we can snack better through chemistry. My favorite was the chemical pies. I had a minor addiction to the cherry pies.


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