Saturday, November 17, 2012
Say it ain’t so…
Oh, no! The Hostess Company is not going to fool with striking bakers. Instead they plan to close down the whole operation and put 18,500 people out of work. It’s over! This is it!
No more smooth, soft Wonder bread. No more Twinkies, always baked unless you go to the State Fair where you can get them deep fried. Deep frying improves everything. Maybe I should have tried that with the Wonder bread. Oh, well. Too late now.
No more day-glow pink Snowballs with the sprinkling of stale coconut. No more chocolaty HoHos with that creamy white filling. What is the American public to do? Well, I’ll tell you what I did. I got in my car and to make the rounds of area grocery stores and independent markets, snatching up every Hostess product I could find.
Ha! You thought I was mad, thought I was compulsive for cleaning out my closets and storage shelves a while ago. See! Now I have plenty of room for stashing my horded snack cakes. Foresight, that’s what it is called.
I’ll admit it, yes. I worked myself into a terrible frenzy. Perhaps I was not thinking entirely clearly. I know for certain that it was kind of wrong to knock over that 93 year old man who probably only weighed 93 pounds and used a cane just because he was reaching for those DingDongs on the shelf. But really, such a fuss! He only had the wind –and his teeth-- knocked out of him. There were no broken bones. It’s not like I was having such a great day myself. I swept all the cakes off the shelves of that first store right into my into my waiting cart and made a dash for the checkout line.
But when I got there—no purse. OMG! I left my purse in the car! I went to the service desk and demanded the girl there guard my cart while a ran out to my car.
No purse in my car! Would I actually go to the store without my purse? I ran back to the service desk snatching up a paper table cover on the way. I covered the cart and told the young girl I would be back. She said she would push the cart into the produce cooler.
I drove the ten miles back to my house. I may have gone a wee bit over the speed limit, but, dammit, this was an emergency. Surely my explanation would stand up in traffic court. Fortunately it did not come to that. I got home and ransacked the house. No purse.
“OMG! MIKE! Someone snatched my purse from my grocery cart!…What do you mean, how can that happen? When my attention was distracted. Maybe when I knocked over that little old man who was trying to abscond with Hostess cakes…No, he wasn’t hurt! Will you please try and focus on what is important here! My purse is missing…No, I am not calling the police. I am calling the store to find out if anyone found a discarded purse in the parking lot…Wait…Yes! They have it at the service desk.”
So Mike insisted on driving me back to the grocery store because I did not have my license on me. He asked me how much money I had in the purse. It was not much, but I didn’t expect to see it again. Then I thought about credit cards. I hoped they would still be in my wallet but I started making a mental list of the companies I would have to call to cancel accounts. I was glad I wasn’t driving at that point because I would not have been able to see the road through my tears.
We got to the store and I ran to the service desk, leaving Mike to hobble after me. The girl handed my my purse. I opened it and…nothing was missing—not the $35 in cash and not a single credit card. It seems that a delivery guy saw the purse in an empty cart sitting in the bakery aisle. When no one came to retrieve it when he had stacked all his hamburger and hot dog buns, he took it to the service desk. Thank-you! Thank-you! I can only guess that I must have grabbed the old man’s cart by mistake and left my cart there with the purse in the baby seat.
So, somewhat happy ending. I used my debit card to pay for all my snack cakes, but it was too late to complete the rounds of the other stores. By that time, of course, the word was out and everyone else was making a mad dash on Hostess products.
(Some parts of this story are actually true.)