Thursday, January 3, 2019

Catching Up

I spent some time catching up on my blog reading this morning. It was sort of like catching up with an old friend that you haven't seen in a while and you end up wondering why you don't make more time in your life for this particular friend.

Is that a convoluted thought process or do you know what I mean?

A post from Baby Blogging Boomer  has been sticking with me -- a post about the challenging behaviors her granddaughters are exhibiting. It touched my heart.

I left a comment and now I am regretting that it may have been intrusive.

Intrusive because it triggered something in me and my response was really directed to myself. This post was one of a series of messages the Universe has been directing at me.

Two big messages in my mind:

This from Haibun Today, an online journal:

A Quarterly Journal
Jeffrey Woodward, Founder & Owner
Ray Rasmussen, General Editor
Volume 12, Number 4, December 2018 

Marilyn Humbert's "Hope," A Commentary by Terri French
I am a natural “fixer,” particularly when it comes to my children’s problems (sometimes real, sometimes perceived), which is why I could really relate to Marilyn Humbert’s piece, "Hope." 
Fixers are helpers, but also sometimes controllers. There are things we can help with, but very little we can control. My eldest son and his wife recently decided they didn’t want children and took the necessary steps to make sure that conception would not occur. I’m not going to be called grandma, nana or mamaw anytime soon, maybe never. I have no control over that. 
My youngest son has had drug problems. I’ve had him go to counselors, given him material to read, talked until I’m blue in the face, but I can’t “fix” him. 
I empathize with Margaret when she says “I am filled with foreboding and guilt.” 
Fear, guilt, shame, regret—it inspires so much of my own writing. Thankfully, so does hope.

Marilyn Humbert 
Her husband in quarantine with chicken pox, I accompany my daughter to the IVF clinic. It’s the fifth time she has made this trip after years of tests, invasive procedures, injections, disappointments and heartaches.
Sitting with her, the technician explains, again, the protocol, the chances of success. My daughter is full of optimism. I am filled with foreboding and guilt. A mother’s guilt. I can’t fix this. 
a clutch of eggs
between water reeds—
ripples of life 

Oh, yes, I am a "fixer" seen as a controller by my children, I am quite certain. My daughter doesn't say this to my face, but i get the story from my grandson! My son just knowingly makes a cryptic comment about about what kind of Karma is being played out.

And then there was my recent session with a Reiki Practitioner and Spiritual Intuitive. (By the way, one of the most soul satisfying things I have ever done in my long woo-woo life.) Amazing on so many levels, but a very clear statement of "you cannot fix because you cannot control the spiritual path of another."

So, ignore my advise or at least consider the source. I am confessing to be still working out my own stuff.


  1. "you cannot fix because you cannot control the spiritual path of another."
    Something we all need to take to heart.

  2. I tend to be controlling, but because of it my husband and I live quite well. He gave up pot, cigarettes, and DUI which led to better health.

  3. I didn't think you said anything but the truth and it was not hurtful, mean spirited only kind and helpful. I too am a fixer or controller depending on how you see it. I have sister 17 yrs younger than me, like a kid of mine. I have done some of those things and have had to pull back.
    It is difficult when you watch the mistakes being made. Thank God I never had children.
    On a Reiki note, been thinking of doing this. You just gave me the incentive to do so. :-)

  4. Hahaha. No Olga, I did not take offense. I am a fixer to. We want to jump in and just get it done right. I fully understand that I am there to help them find their way out of this maze. The hard part will be letting them stumble through to better times. But I can do this. I will help, not order. I will suggest, not order. Who am I kidding but I'll do my best. And I do believe in counseling. Sometimes your life needs a little advice to get back on track.

  5. Oh Olga, I also left a comment to Barbara and as soon as I did, I thought it was not right for me to do so. We should join a "fixer united" group! I'm still working on my stuff, too. However, who can stand by when a family member is hurting? (Maybe that's what I need to learn - I must just learn to stand by!)

  6. I've had to learn to let go in the past couple of years, because I too, have a tendency to try to fix things. I'm sure my friends would tell you I still do but I know how much less I do now. I suspect my desire arises out of guilt. As a single mom (by choice and circumstances) my children frequently went without what many of their friends had, the newest toy, the best shoes and clothing, and lots of activities. They always were fed, clothed, and had a roof over their heads though so there was that.

    I agree too, that catching up on blogs is one of my favorite pastimes. We get a glimpse into one another's lives and find commonalities and learn from our differences.


  7. Well, I'm of the opinion that you cannot fix things for your children, after about age 10. You can and should point them in the right direction, but they have to figure out the details for themselves.

  8. It is natural to want to "fix" any problems our kids have, no matter how old they, or we, are. We can't fix anything of course, but we can be there to support and give aid if we are asked to. It's easier if you remember being your mother's daughter. How much advise did you want?

  9. I am only a fixer in life and death stuff. I also make sure that I research my fixing instincts around such stuff. The rest of my life I stand back and let others live their life.

  10. Olga, this post drew me closer to you than any other. Because I'm a big ole CF (control freak) myself, so I completely GET IT. It's hard, very hard, to stand by and have to let things happen to other people. But they really have to be in charge of them, and we in charge of only ourselves (once they are past the age of teenagers.) Not easy to do. :: hugs ::

  11. We’re working out our own stuff all our lives, aren’t we?

  12. It is sort of a grand riddle of the Universe, what is yours, but you don't own them?

    Your children. Its been my observation that you can't fix everything, but you sure can hurt like hell.

    I used to tell my wife, the purpose of children is to take you on journeys that you never had courage to travel yourself.


I appreciate readers' comments so much. You don't even always have to agree with me.